Movie Experience Guidelines - Part 1

Okay kids, this one is going to be a two-parter (or maybe even three or four) since I had complaints about the length of the bug story (c’mon people!). But I do feel like I have quite a lot to say on this issue, so if I start to rant and carry on and get off topic, I apologize ahead of time.

As you know, I love movies. I love the actual films, I love the actors, the plots, the cinematography, and I love the actual movie experience in a theater. What I don’t love is when people who have no respect ruin something so near and dear to my heart. No respect for the movie, the experience or the people there who actually want to enjoy it. With that in mind, I bring to you my Movie Experience Guidelines. Created specially for the casual moviegoer so that they do not ruin The Experience for those of us who truly appreciate the fine art of film.

Let’s start at the beginning, shall we?

Lesson Number One: GET TO THE THEATER ON TIME!
This does not mean walking into the theater as the previews are ending. This does not mean as long as the credits are still on the screen, you have plenty of time to climb over people and get a seat. This means getting to the theater with plenty of time to stand in the concession line, stand in the restroom line and find a seat BEFORE the pre-views start.

If for some reason you cannot manage to get to the theater on time, sit in the most accessible seats as possible. If there are two seats together, but they happen to be towards the front, shut up and sit there. That is your bad for not allowing yourself time to get to the theater before the previews. DO NOT climb over an entire row of people to get to two seats in the middle. And most especially, DO NOT ASK ME TO MOVE OVER A SEAT SO THAT YOU AND YOUR FRIEND CAN SIT TOGETHER! Perhaps you and said friend should have made sure you were on time if you wanted to sit together. See how my friend and I are sitting together? That’s because we were ON TIME! I have no sympathy for you, and I don’t want to be stuck sitting next to a stranger, so don’t even ask me to move. Oh and what about that empty seat next to me? Yes, someone is sitting there. MY PURSE! Because it was on time.

Also, if you do find yourself coming in after the lights have been dimmed and the previews or movie has started, DO NOT stand there with your friend and have a full-on conversation about where to sit. At this point, everyone in the theater hates your guts and wants you to sit down and shut up. And if they won’t say it, I will (Funny little sidebar story: Last summer I was at a movie with two friends and a friend of a friend, whom I just met that moment. About 20 minutes into the movie – not the previews, the actual movie – a gaggle of 15-year-old girls strolls in. They are at full volume, giggling and bumping into each other. They proceed to walk into the row in front of us and Just. Stand. There. They actually sit on a poor little girl that they couldn’t see. By this point I am ready to kick them in their heads so I yell out “Are you fucking retarded?!?!? SIT DOWN!!” Needless to say, the friend of the friend now thinks I am psycho. Oh well.). Anyway, as you can see, if you are acting like an idiot and cutting into my moving-viewing time, I will call you out and most likely in a not-too-nice way. Which brings us to our second lesson.

Lesson Number Two: SHUT THE FUCK UP!
Yes Granny, this includes you! I don’t care if your poor husband is hard of hearing and you have to repeat every line of the movie to him (true story), then you should come to a matinee at 10AM on a Tuesday, when only old people are there anyway.

If you are excited to see your friend and have a lot to catch up on, go to Starbucks for chrissakes! No one else in the theater gives a tiny rat’s ass what either one of you have been up to. Why would you pay the god-awful ticket price to see a movie that you are going to talk through? Save the big bucks and talk over a cup of coffee instead! Geesh! It is so simple! Oh, and if something happens during the movie that you must make a comment on, WHISPER it to your friend or wait until after the movie. No, it’s not funny when you make a comment out loud to the screen. I promise. And anyone who laughs and encourages said commenter is just as big an ass. And I hate you all.

Also in this lesson, let’s include opening your packages of candy, chips, etc. In a tense moment of a movie, I don’t want to hear the “crinkle-crinkle” of you opening your Red Vines! I have managed to get my Poppables open and ready for me before the previews so that I don’t disturb those around me with the annoying noise. Please do the same. And for crying out loud, STAY OUT OF YOUR PURSE!!